By Michele Beck, MFA—First Year Candidate in the Licensure Qualifying Program at the Manhattan Institute for Psychoanalysis

For many years before becoming a candidate at MIP, I have been a visual artist. Often my work has involved exploring questions that I have about myself and my life. As a child, I felt unable to fully express myself through language. I quietly observed and paid close attention to the world around me, but could not talk about what I saw. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I became more fully able to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Psychoanalysis was the key to this transformation and it saved my life. Although I always knew how to talk, it was only through the safety and intimacy of the analytic relationship that I was slowly able to unearth the words stuck deep inside my body. 

I became fascinated with what it meant to speak authentically and I used my art as a way to articulate visually what that meant to me, initially, through performance and video, and now with documentary. Interviewing came naturally to me. The introverted child who quietly noticed every detail was now an adult who loved observing and listening to people. In addition to learning how to speak, all my years of analysis also taught me about listening and I drew on that knowledge when I conducted my interviews. Instinctively, I knew how to put the other person at ease, how to ask a question and when to stay silent. The people I interviewed commented on how comfortable they felt with me and how my deceptively simple questions allowed them to easily open up. It was thrilling for me to listen to people tell their stories and I wished that I could continue to explore further with them. This desire ultimately led me to pursue analytic training.

As I start my training, I am also completing an interview project. After spending so many years trying to understand what it means for me to speak, I decided to find out what kinds of experiences other artists had with language. Did they have similar struggles or did communication come more easily for them? I decided to set up a bunch of Zoom calls with people I know to ask them. I ended up interviewing five friends, all artists from diverse backgrounds, and simply asked: “What does speaking or communicating mean to you?” Their responses touched on their relationship to speaking and wound up exploring issues of trauma, race, disability, speaking a second language and how their art practice related to their ability to speak.  

The following interview is with Ilov Grate, my pole dancing teacher for many years. Ilov is a performance artist and sensual movement teacher specializing in improvisation and audience interaction. The other five interviews may be viewed at: michelebeck.net/speak

Michele Beck, MFA is a visual artist working with documentary, multi-channel video installation and performance. Her work has been shown at venues including the Philadelphia Independent Film Festival, Anthology Film Archives, Bronx Museum, Queens Museum ICA in London, Galerie Chez Valentin, and PS122. She is a recipient of grants from NYFA, NYSCA, Lower Manhattan Cultural Council and multiple residencies at Yaddo and the Hermitage. She teaches film production at the New School.  

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