An Elegy for My Office From a Psychoanalyst Working Remotely

Switching on the lamps, all three, setting the light just right
Filling up my water pitcher in anticipation of all who will drink from it
The ritual of opening my office door when the buzzer rings
Fluffing my pillows
That feeling of surprise when I greet you in the waiting room
The moment you sit down on the couch and settle in
Your curiosity about the book resting on my side table
The way the sun beams into the room at 3:00
My plant
Watering my plant
Turning my plant towards the sun
You asking me if I’ve always had that plant
The commute, and I never thought I would
When the 1 comes just in time to transfer at 14th
The mutual complaining of subway delays
Sharing our appreciation of a good outfit
Reading your body language
The guy in my building that kinda knows me but never says hello
Checking my mailbox
Walking up 9th Street
Buying flowers from the deli
Constant flow of people coming and going in the building
Not having to wear headphones during our sessions
LifeThyme Market’s lemon chicken
Human bodies
An afternoon chocolate break
The kettle that boils the water just right for afternoon tea
The distance between us, chair to couch, chair to chair
When you get up to refill your water during a particularly emotional moment
Sirens interrupting us momentarily
A midday walk around the block
Clocks
Suitemates
Fake flowers in the hallway
The first time we meet in person
Exploring dreams
Being better able to focus
My work shoes
Having different conversations
Locking up

Blair Casdin, LCSW, is a graduate of the Manhattan Institute for Psychoanalysis. At MIP, she is founder and former co-editor of the Analysis Now blog, co-chair of the Colloquium Committee, and teaches Ethics in Psychoanalysis and Dreams I. Blair is faculty and supervisor at the Institute for Expressive Analysis where she teaches Basic Clinical Concepts. She is in private practice in New York City.

To contribute to the special series on COVID-19, send blog posts of up to ~1,000 words (read full submission guidelines here) to Analysis Now blog co-editors Justine Duhr at justinetduhr@gmail.com and Robert Levin at rob@robertlevinlcsw.com.

If you enjoyed this post, we recommend:
Special Series on COVID-19 by Justine Duhr, MFA, and Robert Levin, LCSW
Thinking Analytically in the Time of COVID-19 by Sandra Green, LCSW
Minding COVID-19: Re-establishing Communication Through Mentalizing by Troy Becker, Psy.D.
How Can We Wake up From This Bad Dream? by Irina Simidchieva

Debby Worth

· Reply

March 29, 2020 at 7:43 PM

Blair, I am in mourning for my office too! I never realized what a holding environment it was for ME until I couldn’t have it. My chair, which was my mother’s chair, now molded to my body, still envelopes me in hers as well, and is a source of comfort I never could articulate until now. My patients and I are struggling to find the right distance when using video – faces are too big, too close, too intrusive, not quite right. All the things you mention – the light, the noises, the incidental people on the street, in the lobby, in the coffee shop – are a real loss. Will it ever be the same again? I’m sure there are things we can gain from this experience, but it’s only right to honor the loss first.

Blair Casdin

March 29, 2020 at 9:34 PM

Thanks for your comment, Debby. I sent it to a friend who is not a therapist who said it was totally relatable as we are all missing the ordinary aspects of every day life. I will never get used to seeing faces only through a screen but I am grateful for it too. Here’s to hoping this doesn’t last too long and we can once again return to normalcy!

Sue Bloland

March 30, 2020 at 11:38 AM

Blair, Your piece evoked such nostalgia in me for my beloved office! Particularly since I share your office building and can visualize everything to which you refer — from the mailboxes, to the guy who kind of knows me but never says hello, to just walking up 9th Street — where I hear the blossoms are out as though the Mother Nature hasn’t noticed that anything is wrong with us humans!

How often have I wished on a rainy morning that I could skip the commute into the city and stay home for the day — something I will surely feel again when this odd moratorium is over — but I will have a whole different appreciation of how much that trip to my office, and being in the physical presence of my clients, nourishes and sustains me!

March 30, 2020 at 8:45 PM

Sue, I miss seeing you on 9th Street! I wonder if it’s the same guy…oh how we will rejoice when we can all return to our normal, though transformed, lives!

VANESSA JACKSON

April 25, 2020 at 5:58 PM

Hi Blair, I appreciate how you always seem to present things in the simplest and most immediate terms, and with humor.

April 26, 2020 at 11:44 AM

Thank you, Vanessa. I really appreciate your comment. Short and sweet often works best. It all just kind of flowed out the first week of quarantine. And here we are in week 7! But, I am happy to report that someone is watering my plant!